Why do I run?

Last week I was planning a post on motivation and simply ran out of time. So I decided to do it this week. Actually, this post is not so much about motivation as it is about what motivates me to run. Rob, over at Running To Lose, posted a couple of weeks ago about this idea of Inner Defiance. And, I have to say, this is a part of what motivates me to keep running, but it doesn't really hit on what gets me out the door. Inner defiance keeps me going once I'm running, but what motivates to run is different. For me, why I run is almost a completely external thing. That is, I run because something outside myself makes me.

So what does that mean? It's a little hard to explain. The reasons I have for running are not because of anything it does for me. Don't get me wrong, I really like the feelings I get from running. I love the physical benefits. But what gets me out the door is something outside of me. I run because I feel like if I don't, I can't take care of those close to me. How did I get that idea? It's a little bit of a story, but here goes.

My father died of cancer (melanoma) when I was two. My mother died of cancer (esophageal) last year. I was 32. My mother's death was a very long and horrible process for her and for our family. For most of my life, she raised me by herself. She put herself through college and worked a full-time job while raising a very obnoxious little boy. I used to wonder why she did it. Why go to school and work at the same time? Why go through all that? Why not just work and be done with it? It seems that so many people just quit when obstacles like that face them. So why did she do it? I used to wonder that, until one day, I got the courage to ask her. She told me that she did it for me. When she said that, it floored me. She did it for me? Huh? If she hadn't told me, I would have said that she did it to better herself. To be a better person. But, she told me the reason she got up at 5am and got home around 8 or 9pm every weekday was so that I could have a better life.

And, because of her, I did. Because she went to school, she was able to get a better paying job which then enabled her to work different hours, which allowed her to spend more time raising me. And, it allowed us to purchase and do things we could not do before. We went on vacations, we had new clothes instead of hand-me-downs, we could eat out every now and then. You get the idea. She did what she did because of me.

Late last year, soon after my mom's death, Steph and I went hiking at Cooper's Rock. Cooper's Rock is a nice area with tons of great trails. We hiked this one particular trail that was a tough one. Very steep, lots of rocks and things to make the hike hazardous. As we were walking, Steph was having difficulty keeping her balance because of the condition of the trail. I was have trouble too. As we were walking, I kept thinking about something bad happening. What if she fell and hurt herself? What if she broke a leg? What if she sprained an ankle? How would we get back? I guess I should say that I was in horrible shape. I weighed 230lbs and hadn't exercised in I couldn't tell you how long. Given that, its not like I could have run back to the trailhead and summoned help. So, I decided right then and there that if I ever expected to be a good husband and save my wife should anything bad ever happen to her, I would need to get in shape. Kind of corny, I know. But, like my mom who worked very hard for me, I began to run because of my wife.

What has happened is that now, I run for more than just my wife. I still run because I want to be able to take care of her, but it seems now that I also run because I can and other people can't. There are so many folks who cannot run because of physical disability. I figure if I have the ability to run while others cannot, then somehow I'm not wasting the gift of running that I have been given. I'm not taking for granted the ability to run. Last month, Steph and I were eating out at a restaurant near her dad's place. As we were eating, I noticed a young man who was leaving with his parents. They were paying the bill at the cash register and I noticed that the boy was blind. He was holding on to his dad's arm as he couldn't see. I felt pity. I know I'm not supposed to feel bad for disabled folks because we are always told that folks who are physically limited don't want our sympathy. I don't know that I believe that and I've never really been politically correct, but either way, I felt sad for him. I felt as though I shouldn't be wasting the abilities that I have.

I guess what I'm getting at is that what gets me on the road each morning is not my inner defiance, but the belief that there is something bigger than me that is served by my running. In my particular case, that bigger thing is my family and the idea that I have the ability to run. For you, it may be something entirely different. But, I think if you look hard enough and deep enough, you'll find that although you run because it feels good and because you are in better physical health, there is something else at work. Something bigger. In the end, it seems that we run for something larger than ourselves. It's almost as if we run for each other.

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love, I'm a believer!
I couldn't leave her if I tried.

I thought love was more or less a given thing,
Seems the more I gave the less I got.
What's the use in tryin'?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine I got rain.

Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love, I'm a believer!
I couldn't leave her if I tried.

Weight: 162lbs
Exercise: Running 4 miles
Weather: Humid, warm, 75 degrees.